


I would have gone wherever you told me, but you remained silent by my side.

by soulhead



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-25
Updated: 2019-11-29
Packaged: 2021-01-03 02:42:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21172106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soulhead/pseuds/soulhead
Summary: And I was too stupid to understand.Or,  falling in love with Lando had been easy for Carlos.Too easy.





	1. This small sinuous road I found

_Falling in love with Lando had been unplanned, yet incredibly easy. _

It all began when he switched team from Renault to McLaren. His experience with Renault had been filled with tensions and the impression of having no say in any technical or tactical decisions had left a lasting scar on him. Now in a new racing team, one of his main worry had been that history would repeat itself. Even as he was signing his contract tying him with McLaren, he was filled with apprehensions, doubting he could adapt well in a team that was for years almost entirely built of Betas. Certainly, he would stand out like a sore thumb as the only Alpha around them. Fortunately, weeks into the preparation for the season had succeeded in proving him he made the right choice by signing with McLaren. It was all a much needed breath of fresh air to see the way his opinion was taken into account without being brushed under the rug and to quickly start to once again feel enthusiastic at the idea of racing without constant politics weighting him down.

Besides, if he felt so warmly accepted in this racing team, it was also because of none other than his younger teammate, Lando.

It was so heartwarming to see him enthusiastically helping him bond with the rest of the team, to see how he had obviously sensed his initial wariness when they first met and made it his mission to help Carlos settle down.

Even now, as he muses over the few weeks of preparation that separates him from the beginning of his first season in the McLaren racing team, he can't help but to remember fondly the first time he realized he made the right choice to quit Renault. It was just after Lando had adamantly insisted to take him on a tour the first time he visited the McLaren headquarter. It took them hours to complete the visit, only because Lando had insisted to show him every corners of the building and to present him loudly to any passerby that he had not already been introduced to. At the end of the day, Carlos remembers thinking that with Lando by his side and the rest of the team, his time in McLaren would surely become one to remember.

He became even more surprised by how well and quickly he had settled in his new environment when instead of being annoyed by the constant meetings about the upcoming season's organization, he enjoyed them thoroughly. To be more precise, he enjoyed their aftermaths and the evenings he spent talking and laughing alongside Lando, discovering more facets of the endearing young man days after days.

It's maybe the reason explaining why, on a particularly uneventful day, he finds himself almost lost when he has to come back to his hotel room after having eaten a small meal without the company of Lando. The younger one had declined his invitation to go out for dinner, saying he was feeling a bit under the weather.

It's barely 10pm when tiredness is already filling his mind as he's fumbling over different TV channels, bored beyond relief. He's on the verge of dozing off for good, when a peculiar smell hits his nostrils, one reminding him of the distinct smell of marin salt. At first, he let himself lulled contentedly by it, imagining himself sunbathing on the beach near his home back in Spain instead of being stuck in his hotel room under the moody weather of England. He's so enrupted by this vivid reverie that he can almost hear the seagulls and the distant voices of children playing among the waves of the ocean. Sleepiness impairing his judgment, it takes him a few minutes to realize he isn't dreaming the smell that still linger around him even with his eyes wide-open.

Once his mind is more alert, he stands up from his bed and lets his feet guide him to the source of the odor, relying on his sense of smell with an accuracy he did not now he possessed. A few steps later, he finds himself in front of another hotel room down the hallway. Recognizing Lando's room number, he knocks on it, wanting more of this almost bewitching perfume.

« Lando ? You're there ? » he says after a minute passed without answer.

Slowly, he hears someone move inside the room before reaching the door. Lando appears in the opening, a sheen of sweat on his forehead and wearing only a wide t-shirt and a pair of boxer. His nose hadn't mislead him, the sweet perfume of the ocean was coming from Lando's room, even more precisely from his younger teammate directly. Now even closer to the source of the mesmerizing smell, Carlos feels something foreign coils in his stomach, something that make his heartbeat picks up into a frenzy that he can barely contain.

« H-Hey » Lando croaks before scraping his throat.

« You're alright ? »

To this question, he's only granted a confused expression appearing on Lando's face as the latter starts to touch tentatively the sweatshirt Carlos is wearing « You smell...You smell different. »

« Is this your way to say I need to shower ? » he answers, hoping banter can hide the way his concern starts to grow for his teammate's strange behavior and for his own response to the smell emanating from Lando.

His teammate lets out a small snort before taking a long inhale « Fuck, why is it so hot in there ? »

« Hey, come on now, let's get you back to bed, I bet you're having a fever, okay ? » Carlos reassures him, taking Lando's hand to guide him back into the room before closing the door. Once it isclosed, it seems Lando's musk becomes even more potent, surrounding Carlos in a way that almost make him believe his lungs might explode.

Distracted as he is, he opposes no resistance when it's Lando's turn to take his hand and to lead him to his bed.

Instantly after his back hit Lando's mattress, he feels his younger teammate snuggles to him. His brain goes in overdrive, not knowing how to explain why Lando is on top of him suddenly, head plunged into the crook of his neck. More importantly, this intimate contact manages to make his legs tingle with satisfaction and it takes all his willpower to not close his eyes to just bask in the appeasing closeness he shares with Lando in this very instant.

In a moment of lucidity, he tried to regain his composure: « Lando, if you're already feeling too hot, sharing body heat with me won't help, you know ? »

« I...You smell so good. I can't help it... » Lando simply declares, now timidly roaming his hands over Carlos's body. Each of his caresses are barely grazing his skin but something stirs inside Carlos. The Alpha in him is calling for more, as if that part of him suddenly realized how parched it was for something that he has yet to define.

And suddenly, it's clear to him : this intoxicating smell that led him to Lando, the way his Alpha suddenly emerged from his slumber...Lando is presenting as an Omega.

At this realization, a whirlwind of emotions runs through him. It's been so long that he hadn't been disturbed by his Alpha status and yet, here he is, feeling desire pools in his lower-half with a feverish omega in his hands.

The only reason he doesn't start to panic is that his teammate isn't faring much better and that he obviously needs his help. At first, Lando seemed to wriggle a little bit in his hold to find a more comfortable position on his lap, but now Carlos realizes he's actually trying to relieve the pressure of his own growing bulge, now evident as it brushes against his lower abdomen.

Yes, there's really no denying that Lando needs his help, but yet Carlos never felt more out of depths. His upbringing into a family of Betas didn't prepare him for such a foreign responsibility, he catches himself regretting for the first time.

« I don't know what's happening to me, I'm sorry ! » Lando's voice cuts through his endless series of thoughts with his eyes open to an almost comical degree and his face burning red with embarrassment.

« I...I think you're...I think you're an Omega Lando, you're having your first heat ! » he clumsily answers as he summons all his willpower to put distance between him and Lando, pushing him out his lap and sitting on the edge of the bed. His own heart is thumping wildly against his ribcage now, missing the intimacy he shared with the Omega a few seconds ago.

« Shit..I..I thought I was a Beta...I... » Lando said, his face losing all trace of colors with Carlos's words.

« Hey, hey don't worry okay ? I'll go look for the medical staff, they'll know what to do ! » he proposes, as he scrambles out of the bed.

As out of his depths as Carlos is feeling now, he knows it's an empty promise. The medical staff won't be able to prescribe any medication to Lando in his state, not when the omega's heat has already been triggered, but it's Carlos only way out of a situation that is rapidly escaping his control.

Yet, as his hand reaches the door handle, he hears a whine, one typical of a distressed omega, one that sent chills to his very core and which sound-waves penetrate through his every pores. This sound ignites something deeply embroiled in his Alpha side, as if a magnetic force is giving him no other choice but to stay close to this Omega.

« Hey, hey don't cry, what's going on ? » Carlos inquires, instantly turning back to Lando and sitting back on the edge of the bed.

« I...Don't go, please...Can't you just help me ? You're an Alpha, you can...» Lando said hesitantly, not daring to look at his teammate in the eyes.

The rational part of him want to tell how Lando couldn't have found a worse Alpha to rely on, how he was always too focused on his racing career to try to understand the first thing about their different status. Yet, the Alpha in him seems to speak louder than his brain :

« Help you...Yes, I- uhm, I can. » Carlos finds himself saying out loud despite his fears. And with those words, he feels as if a dam just broke inside him, the desire he's been trying to reign in starting to spill over and to take control of his every moves.

It's a feeling that is unexplainable for Carlos, but it seizes him wholeheartedly and he feels himself moving before the words he uttered even registered in his head. Maybe it's the enticing smell of Lando getting stronger and stronger or the way his mouth is pinched into a tight frown, imploring him to help that breaks his last resolve. Maybe it's just Lando, sweet, beautiful and so familiar, asking for a relief Carlos is only too happy to deliver.

Soon enough, they find themselves free of any clothes and entangled into each others, Lando settling on his lap and mapping every inches of his body with an enthusiasm that make Carlos's head spins. With every moments their bare skin touch each other, he feels his breath getting shorter and shorter and Carlos feels annihilated with the irrational desire to trace every moles on Lando's skin.

Over him, Lando looks downright obscene, with his flushed cheeks and the way he keeps grinding on him, searching friction to relieve his desire. It's maddening and Carlos can't help himself from searching on Lando's face for every single expression of pleasure, drinking in the sight like a fine alcohol.

After that, they are reduced to a frantic mess of uncoordinated moves, gasps and limbs hitting against the bed frame. Then, everything quietens down between them once Carlos finds his way inside Lando. Once again, it's an explosion of sensations Carlos could never re-transcribe accurately that seems to unfold in his very core. It's as if he was suddenly thrown into an all-encompassing heat with nothing to do but to marvel at the soft noises that escapes the Omega's body and to chase their pleasure.

If it was any other person than Lando, he would be embarrassed by how flabbergast he must look, with his mouth half-open and his hands resolutely anchored into Lando's hips, following their repetitive undulations against his pelvis. But this is Lando, gasping into his hold and Carlos feels powerless to do anything but to admire the way they slot together.

The last coherent thought that he has before losing himself completely into Lando is that he wants this moment to span over a lifetime. He prays for the small laughs that Lando lets out when Carlos inadvertently tickles him with his beard as he kisses him to resonate without end in his ear, to be able to observe the ways his hands fit into the curves of the omega like they were made to roam Lando's body until it's the only thing he can see. He wants Lando to be all warmth and impatience into his hands, asking for more of him, now, immediately, always.

***

Sadly for him, his prayers aren't answered. The moon is high in the sky when sleep ends up claiming them both into a deep slumber and the moment he wished to be eternal, comes to a halt.

It's not surprising then, that once the earliest rays of the sun on his face manage to wake him, the first feeling he experiences is disappointment. Quitting the warm presence by his side and the heap of blankets on himself is the last thing he wants. Yet, the strong scent clinging on Lando's skin has now been subdued to one that Betas wouldn't even notice, a clear sign his heat has passed. With his mind now clear of the frenzy it was a few hours ago, a wave of panic seizes his throat and he once again feels the need to run away from this room he stayed for too long in.

Yet, as he feels Lando starting to stir awake slowly against him, the Alpha inside him begins to growl, telling him to ignore this feeling and to go look for food and water to provide for the Omega.

Ignoring the goosebumps appearing on his skin as the memories of their night spent together resurface, he dresses quickly and makes his way to the cafeteria, filling a tray with a generous breakfast for his teammate. On his way to the room, he almost spills the tray two times and it takes every bits of his concentration to calm his trembling hands until he reaches his destination.

As he enters into Lando's room, he cannot help but feels his heart pangs at the breathtaking sight of the young Omega sprawled all over the bed, his skin rendered porcelain white by the reflection of the sun on his skin.

« Hey, Lando... » he nudges him gently on his shoulder.

The groggy omega opens his eyes slowly to face him, his hair mussed in all directions and Carlos almost lose his resolve at the sight.

« I left a tray for you on the table with some croissants, fruits and an apple juice, ok ? It's only 7 am, you can still sleep, I'll tell the rest of the team you're staying in your room to rest a bit more. » the Alpha explains gently.

« You're...You're not eating it with me ? » had Lando asked, trace of sleep slowly leaving his face.

« Nah, I already munched on a few toast in the cafeteria and I'm gonna go for an early run. » he lies swiftly.

« Oh okay. » Lando answered softly, shoulders slumped as he is, Carlos guesses, probably still disorientated with the last trace of heat residing in his body.

« I...Lando... »

« Yes ? » the omega said in a high-pitched voice, raising briskly his head to look at Carlos in the eyes.

« You...The meeting with the team is at 2pm, before that you'll go talk with the medical staff so they can make sure your next heat won't clash with the upcoming season, right ? »

« Uhm, right. » Lando says, before Carlos disappears from his sight.

And if Carlos doesn't go for a run but locks himself up inside his room for the rest of the morning, no one has to know, especially not Lando.

***

Days pass rapidly after that for Carlos, but the memories of their night remain imprinted in his corneas.

In appearance, him and Lando fall back into their previous dynamic without change. He tries his best to be just a mentor to Lando, to act like nothing but the typical Alpha with protective tendencies toward his younger teammate.

But from time to time, he'll catch himself zoning out from a conversation with a staff member and his brain carries him to the indescribable way Lando felt wrapped around him. More than the countless blissful sensations Lando made him experience that night, it's the closeness he shared with the Omega that he likes to recall. Those remembrances always manage to plunge him into a deep feeling of contentment and he can't help but to go back to it time after time.

Sometime, it seems that he isn't the only one struggling to brush the night they spent together as nothing but the act of a caring Alpha to help a young Omega in distress. During the following weeks, he frequently catches Lando observing him during their conversations with eyes that glint with an intensity that Carlos doesn't like at all : behind Lando's iris, Carlos recognizes the same fire that shone during their night together. And it scares him more than what he'd like to admit, he's not sure he'll be able to withstand its burns. By reflex, Carlos always ruffles Lando's hair or manages to find a way to make a fool of himself in front of his teammate. Anything is a good solution to distract Lando until the omega's eyes glint with nothing but amused delight. Then, breathing comes back to him easier as everything return to normal, to them being just Carlos and Lando. After a month or so passes, the moments when Lando's glares frighten him become scarcer. Or maybe he simply doesn't notice them anymore, he doesn't know.

All that matter is that Lando and him are back being teammates. They maybe cuddle more often than not during plane ride or quiet evening together, play-fight with each other more than their respective age should allow and sometime banter so much that other people around them think they are flirting, but it's good.

It truly is, except it's not enough.

Inside Carlos, there's a compulsion, a demand for more. It expresses itself in the more benign moments of his life : it's a yearning for his body to envelop Lando's body whenever the omega shivers of cold instead of just offering him a jacket or even an exhilarating need to massage Lando's shoulders whenever he sees them getting too tense.

Some nights, this longing pursue him relentlessly, especially after particularly difficult races for the both of them, he worries about the omega's tendencies to be so hard on himself. Almost masochistically, he hopes Lando will soon find himself a mate strong enough to give him the balance he needs. He had tried to ask numerous time what kind of mate Lando was looking for, but every single time, the omega had spluttered a vague answer, awkwardness written all over his face, so he had dropped the subject eventually. Yet, it doesn't stop Carlos from being kept awake by images of his possible future mate and with the selfish hope Lando won't meet him too soon.

He just want a little more time with him, _just a little more_.

And when the next day arrives, after just a few hours of sleep, he goes back into the role of Lando's big brother on the track. He encourages his teammate to interact with the few other Alphas drivers around them and he never allows himself to ponder too long about his own feelings. He does that too much during the night already.

It's precisely with this goal that despite himself, he made it his mission to broaden Lando's horizons, as he likes to call it. It's the euphemism he always use to try to convince the omega to follow him in one of the high-end events that are organized after each Grand Prix. Over the last few weeks, Carlos had insisted over and over, telling him it was an experience to live, maybe the nightlife wasn't for Lando but he had to try it at least once, he argument every time. With the Monaco Grand Prix approaching, Carlos had redoubled in his efforts and eventually, when the whole McLaren staff joined into convincing him to go, Lando had reluctantly agreed.

Therefor, on their last day in Monaco, they fixes themselves a meeting just before 8pm to go to one of the numerous events organized by Amber Lounge after their race was completed.

When the time approach, Carlos can't help but to arrive in front of the club a few minutes earlier, after spending more time than he would like to admit to prepare himself for the evening. As he watches the passersby entering and exciting the club, always with the same overjoyed expressions, he thinks that it's exactly what Lando needs : he doesn't nearly relax enough from all the tensions that comes with being a racing driver.

His attention is brought back into focus when he hears Daren, his strategist, calls out his name. He, a few members of the staff and Lando walks near him enthusiastically. His younger teammate is dressed simply like the others, but his hair is carefully styled and the clothes he wears had clearly been chosen to embrace his lean figure.

Carlos, who is accustomed to his ruffled hair, the goofy and too ample t-shirts Lando wears most of the time, can't help but let an appreciative whistle.

« Lando ! I didn't know you could dress like that ! You got someone to impress ? »

« I...I hope so. » the omega answered with reddening cheeks.

« That's the spirit Lando ! Any Alpha in the Lounge would be mad to resist to your charms ! » he says as he leads them into the club and they are thrown into an almost debilitating mix of flashing lights and deafening music.

A part of him cannot help but purrs when he notices Lando sticking by his side for a good part of the night, exchanging jokes and talking with the other drivers they manage to meet across the hundreds of people in the club.

Later into the evening, Carlos finds himself being led into the middle of the dancefloor by Lando whose eyes shine with mirthfulness, even in the relative darkness of the club.

_He's beautiful,_ Carlos suddenly thinks in this moment as if it was the only truth he ever knew. Of course, Carlos isn't a stranger to how attractive his teammate is, maybe it's just the few drinks he already sipped on, but in his mind, Lando never looked more breathtaking, all smile and attention directed to him.

Before he knows it, Lando's awfully close to him, so close that Carlos feels the hairs on the side of his neck raise with every breath Lando exhales against his skin.

It's only when a passerby pushes him accidentally that he regains his composure, realizing how close, too close Lando is, how heavy the weight of his eyes feels on him.

« I'm...I'm gonna go for a drink. » he says abruptly pushing Lando, as if his presence had scorched him and he makes his way to the bar before even waiting for the omega's answer.

He needs to stop being so selfish by hogging off every moments he can with Lando. He's helping him by going away, no other Alpha would dare to approach Lando if he keeps being accompanied by Carlos. It's what he repeats himself as he orders another drink and downs it in one-go, its bitter taste almost forgotten instantly before taking his head into his head as he tries to rule over the frantic rhythm of his heartbeat against his ribcage. 

« Amber Lounge is too much for you, eh ? » a stranger's voice startles him. His head snaps in the direction of his interlocutor, a man whose face is only half-lit by the ever changing lights around them.

« Nah, just some people in it. I'm Carlos, you're ?»

As they exchange a few words, he learns the man's name is Dominic, that he's a foreign exchange in Monaco for a semester and that, judging by the way he looks at him and tries to engage with him, he's definitely interested in Carlos. He tries too his best to seem interested in this Omega, asking questions to fill the blanks in their conversation. A few dozen of minutes later, Dominic proposes to go back to his hotel room to find a quieter place to continue the night, Carlos doesn't refuse, needing a distraction, anything, to stop himself to go back to Lando both physically and mentally.

And when he lies awake next to Dominic, spent and still breathing loudly, it takes his last resolve to not let the tears pooling on his eyes to spill. He wishes he could say that having sex with the first stranger hitting on him had succeeded in making him forget about his younger teammate, that it felt right to have some fun to let go of the pressure that weighted him down recently.

But, with Dominic, everything is wrong : his hair is too long, his frame too muscular, too unfamiliar and the list goes on and on.

Dominic isn't Lando.

***

The following days feels like a permanent hangover, his body is heavy with every moves he makes and concentrating on the preparation for the upcoming Grand Prix is an almost impossible task.

Instead, his mind is invaded by one single obsessive thought : He never knew what kind of Omega he was looking for, always convinced he would settle himself with a Beta. But now he knows, he thinks to himself whenever he sees Lando's figure near him or even hear him laughing in another room,_ now he knows_.

But because he is Carlos and nothing but professional, he grits his teeth and wills himself to hide this realization. He tries to focus on his car, the circuits, the cities they travel to and the dozen of places he visits in each of them, on anything but the constant pressure he feels in his abdomen when he thinks about the void Lando unconsciously creates in his life. The rational part of his mind knows he should distance himself from the omega, just to recenter himself in his life for a second. Yet, he can't help himself but to seek Lando's presence and the always calming effect the Omega's kind-hearted eyes have on him.

But then, the fragile equilibrium he's been hanging on breaks into thousand of pieces in Austria.

His session with his mental coach truly had helped and he finished in eighth position despite his bad start and a few minor issues with his car. After a few minutes of debriefing those problems with his strategist, he receives an appreciative clap on his back from him, telling him to enjoy his well deserved P8.

Carlos sets himself to go back to the McLaren paddock to retrieve his bag and change in more comfortable clothing. On his way, he indulges himself to take his time to enjoy a small stroll around the hospitality and to sign a few autographs. As he finally joins the paddock, he greets absentmindedly the few staff members that cross his path. His mind is already thinking about the lighthearted evening he'll possibly spend with his younger teammate if he manages to coax him into a game or two of Fifa.

Just as he is about to grab his bag, he notices from the corner of his eyes a small figure, resting his weight on the wall on the opposite side of the paddock. He realizes it's Lando, still in racing gear with what looks like a pensive expression on his face.

« Lando, are you kidding me ? Why are you hiding in there, you finished sixth ! There's no need to overthink this race !» he exclaims buoyantly. He swears that Lando's ever-growing tendency to be hard on himself will make grey hair happen sooner than latter on his head if he doesn't start to celebrate his accomplishments.

The Omega doesn't turn to him, instead he keeps his head fixed in direction of the ground and he fumbles absentmindedly with his own shirt.

« Lando ?» he tries again before posing his hand on his teammate' shoulder who jumps at the contact.

« Hey Lando, are you alright ?» Carlos says, despite the lump that starts to form in his throat at the sight of his teammate's now evident poor form.

« Yes, I...Sorry I didn't see you...» Lando finally answers almost inaudibly. His eyes are too glassy for Carlos's liking, as if he's almost seeing through him. It's only when Carlos takes a few more steps in Lando's direction that his instincts quick in and lit his every nerves in alert. Lando is obviously sick, judging by the paleness of his skin and his pained breaths, but there's something else to it than just a cold...Lando smells wrong. Something metallic, sour and indescribable emanates from him and it raises in alert every hairs on Carlos skin.

Before he gets to coax Lando into sitting down, he sees the Omega staggers dangerously while searching almost blindly for a surface to support himself on. The Alpha steps in and guides Lando to the bench against the wall, panic now filling every fiber in his cells. He wants to call for help to the rest of the team at the other end of the paddock, but for a moment no word manages to escape his throat that keeps closing in. Against him, Lando feels like a ragdoll, boneless and so, so cold.

Fortunately, someone in staff must have noticed them because he hears screams behind him and before he knows it, half of the medical staff is on Lando. Even if most of the team are made of Betas, they must feel this is serious, as their voices grow more frantic around Lando. Yet, the omega seems just as voiceless as Carlos and he stays almost unresponsive to the flurry of questions the staff asks him, his stare lost into nothingness.

« Lando, it's me, Fred !» one of the physiotherapist says in the midst of all the commotion created around them « Can you tell me what's wrong ? »

At that, Lando throws a brief look at Carlos and before he knows it he's asked to leave the paddock. A part of him wants to protest, to stay next to Lando until he's assured he's being taken care of, but his entire body is paralyzed by Lando's smell and he lets himself guided to the exit by one of the staff's member.

The last thing he hears of Lando is the slight gasps he takes with every inhales and then, with the click of the door closing behind him, comes a deafening silence.

_Falling in love with Lando had been unplanned, yet incredibly easy. _

_Everything after that, wasn't._


	2. It seemed to lead me nowhere

Before Lando's own body shut down in front of half of his team and hiding his hardships behind a mask became an option he could not afford anymore, he used to design every steps of his life carefully. Some found joy in embracing the chaos and uncertainty of life, but he found his in meticulously crafted programs to follow. Yet, this need to have control over the events of his life wasn't something that his current lifestyle had imposed. On the contrary, it was an inclination that took its roots very early in his life.

Actually, he still remembers fondly the first time he felt the need to concoct a plan to achieve a simple objective, one that laid the foundation of his present life. The goal was simple : to be allowed to drive his big brother's kart. At that time, the plan's steps were only as complex as his adrenaline-filled brain could muster, he was only four after all. It consisted of not complaining a single time when it was his turn to dress the table before dinner and to be on his best behavior in class for an entire month. And when the opportunity arose, he used his best puppy eyes and struck when he knew his parents wouldn't be able to refuse him anything.

It's a memory that still enthrall him to this day : How his heartbeat seemed all over the place and how exhilarating it felt to control this small machine he had dreamed of driving for so long !

On this one memorable day, he must have rode it a grand total of 5 minutes, but the perspective of driving it for five more minutes was all he could think about for months afterwards. After that, he recalls swearing to himself to not go back to causing trouble at school, to stop testing the limits of his parents rules in the house. He couldn't afford it anymore, not when he knew it wasn't his previous behavior that would allow him to be on the kart the next Sunday and the next after that.

In the years that follow, when he's not indulging himself to spend time with his friends, he starts following more plans that he can keep count of to ensure he'll be able to transition to occasionally drive his big brother's kart to have his own and prove his talent. It's the force that pulls him to become the young man he eventually become, the one who turned this calling into a profession, the one who felt like he had everything he fought for on the day he signed his first contract as a McLaren driver.

***

And then, months into his rookie season in f1, when he's convinced he doesn't need a blueprint to follow anymore, that he's free to just try to make his best of his run into the unforgivable competition of this sport, he presents as an Omega.

It's something unexpected, something he has no time to prepare for, to plan for before it hits him.

In the back of his mind, he knew Omega's genes were a part of his biological make-up. The way he was so sensible to the myriad of colors surrounding him, to the smell of different people : those were all precursors of the possibility that one day he would bloom into an Omega. When he had passed his 16th birthday without presenting he accepted, albeit a little bit disappointed, that he would just settle to become a Beta.

Yet, something even more unexpected than his secondary gender presenting itself so lately into his life happens as the waves of his first heat assail him :

When entire novels and movies are dedicated to re-transcribe the myriads of struggles Omegas face before finding their mate, Lando's one simply comes knocking on his door.

To this day, Lando still feel his breath stuck itself in his throat when he recalls the way Carlos exulted such a rapacious smell as he stood in the doorway of his hotel room. Every whiffs he had of him were sending his heart into a frenzy, making every inhalation hurt because of the exhilaration he felt.

At first, he couldn't understand what made him so agitated, so troubled by this peculiar and yet incredibly familiar perfume.

_He only wanted more, more and more_.

Then he realized of what precisely Carlos's scent reminded him and around him everything stood still. He'll remember it probably for the rest of his life, how mesmerizing it was to be for the first time able to distinguish how Carlos' scent matched perfectly the one he smelled everytime he took a breath of fresh air back in his own backyard. It's indescribable, it's his home into a person, something that Lando hasn't come to terms even months after. _It's perfect_.

And for a moment during that night, he almost forgets he isn't there, back at home. He mistakes the warmth under his fingertips as he grazes slowly over Carlos's skin with the heat he feels when he bathes in the first ray of sun shines at home. His teammate's firm chest under his seems to be unmistakably alike the soil he often rests cross-legged on during long and lazy morning in his garden. And god, he's almost definitively fooled when he feels Carlo's hot breath against his neck, as if the summer breeze that often crosses his backyard somehow had reached him in his hotel room.

Once his own confusion decreases, he realizes he's not home, he's somewhere _ better_. His own mate lays underneath him on his bed, waiting for him to take the lead and once he regains control of his own limbs the rest of their night seems to unfold into a rapid succession of flashes. There's simply too much to recall of this evening, from Carlos's eyes not leaving him during the entire night, to the almost suffocating warmth his body transmits against him. Yet, those tiny details, as permanently ingrained in his brain as they are, almost feel secondary to the way his very core feels complete, as if everything around him finally fell into place and nothing could destabilize the equilibrium he found moments ago.

But as tiredness washes over them and hours trickle one by one to let the sun takes back his rightful place, a jarring awakening puts a halt to all his certitudes of the night before.

The disillusion comes when the first fibers of consciousness return to him. His Alpha's averting eyes, his conflicted face tells him everything he needs to know. There could be a thousands of explanations for the way Carlos seems so intent on exiting his room as soon as possible. Lando could probably think about a dozen of them on the top of his head, yet as he lays alone in his bed, those rational explanations seem meaningless. All he knows is that the biting feeling of rejection filling his heart is real and that it spreads _fast_.

He tries to not let it festers inside him, to immediately get back on his feet, because it's in his nature to not let himself wallow in self-pity, just like it's in his nature to be an Omega. Picking himself up from the void that he feels in his heart, he eventually quits the relative safety his duvets offered him. As he prepares himself for the day, he wonders how he'll ever be able to play the same pretend game Carlos is playing, how he'll be able to behave around him as if the night they spent together was nothing but a practical arrangement between them, as if he didn't just meet his mate.

It take a single glance of his teammate on the meeting following Carlos's hasty exit of his room to know he already won't be able to. Carlos's eyes on him are a strange mix of apprehension and softness, one that keeps Lando's mouth shut every single time he tries to confront Carlos to his flight this morning.

Of the actual meeting in itself, Lando barely registers any information. There's too many questions coursing through his mind all at once :

Does Carlos needs more time to settle into their new dynamic ? Maybe his Alpha feels like being mated to a teammate could potentially put at risk their upcoming season ? Or did Lando say something he shouldn't have when he was getting carried away during their night together ? Did he expect a different mate ? Is he disappointed and...trying to let him down as gently as he can ? Is it even possible to be mated to someone not perfectly compatible to you ?

***

Days turn into weeks, but all his attempts to push Carlos into realizing what they are to each others lead him to nowhere. Carlos remains by his side and at the same time seems to be countries away of him. He's still the same perfect friend as ever, caring for him in ways he never expects when he least expect it and reserving for him a soft smile he knows is just for the both of them.

It doesn't take long for Lando to become convinced that Carlos is indeed his Alpha, but that he _certainly_ isn't Carlos's Omega.

It's the only explanation that helps him come to term with the fact that the Carlos that genuinely cares for him is also the same Carlos that rejected him without a second thought.

With this realization, Lando spends countless hours trying to come up with one of the plans he used to concoct so easily before : one to stop the constant ache that attached itself to his chest, to keep at bay the tears that pool so easily on his eyelids whenever he's alone, to stop feeling so _lonely_ despite the fact that he's a mated Omega. Yet, his brain supplies him no guideline except to endure as best as he can and everytime he wants to confront Carlos to their situation, he wonders if he recoils in fear of Carlos's reaction or of his own insecurities. His mate's silent rejection already hurt him enough, he's not sure he would be able to withstand one spoken outloud.

A month passes-by during which he learns to familiarize himself with the mediocre reality that will now be his. And when he finally finds a way to hide every single micro-expressions on his face that could betray his current state of mind, his body starts to behave in ways he cannot explain.

At first, his vision starts to diminish in an unexplainable way, as if the world's colors around him suddenly were full of contrast he could bear less and less to see. Then, comes the way food starts to feel more and more bland as time passes. Progressively, more symptoms adds up until he can't keep a list of them anymore.

His body is shifting his every senses into something new, something _less_.

Then, as if he wasn't already terrified by those changes, comes a cold that settles into his bones for hours on end. It leaves him shivering in the middle of a perfectly warm day, sometime even taking him by surprise in the middle of the night when he wakes up as if he was suddenly thrown into a cold shower. It's a merciless sensation following him and that, if he believes his own observations, is only appeased when he's in close proximity to Carlos.

It's when this last symptom appears that he ends up reporting his condition to his medical staff. He can't keep everything bottled up anymore, not when his own body is slowly escaping his control. Of course, he omits to mention the soothing effect his teammate's closeness have on him. Carlos worries about him enough already when he thinks Lando isn't paying attention to his over-caring glances.

His medical staff seems alarmed enough, especially when he informs them in passing that he did not experience a second heat, even three month after having presented.

Tests after tests and with no conclusive diagnostics, they still respect his wish to keep his deteriorating health under wraps. They explain to him how his own hormonal imbalance seems all over the place and how it's the key to explain his sudden inability to regulate temperatures. Yet, his five sense's loss of efficiency and any way to treat his condition remains a mystery.

On his own, Lando starts to get a precise idea of what he's experiencing : the way colors around him have started to lost its shine, his loss of appetite...

He knows it's irrational but maybe it's all of him slowly transitioning to a Beta, maybe this one-way bound could not be sustained by the Omega in him and now this part of him is slowly flickering out of existence. It's a baseless theory that haunts his thoughts relentlessly, no matter how many time he tells himself he never heard of such a possibility, that life can't be cruel enough to put him through that.

Inevitably, he starts to fear he'll wake up only to be the witness of how the last trace of the Omega he always was even before presenting will have disappeared. One day, he'll greet Carlos into a hug and won't feel the impulse to keep him in his embrace a fraction of second longer than what he should. His scent will be the one of the cologne he always wears, and nothing more. The world around him will be bland, filled with pastel colors when it used to radiate with bright contrast and he'll have no means to go back to the way he used to perceive it.

And maybe it's constant tiredness plaguing him that makes him feel so vulnerable, but he doesn't know what frightens him more : to start seeing the world as a Beta or to spend his entire life in a one-sided bound..._Both possibility are too much to bear ._

Until it comes to this through (_if_ it comes to this, he tries to reason) he'll pretend hollowness and rejection aren't the most prominent sensations that course through him on most days. He'll even stop coming to work with the three layers of clothes he's accustomed to, just so the medical staff will stop fretting over the way his body temperature regulation seems to become even more deficient as the days go by.

It sounds reasonable, right ? To try to trick everybody else his body and himself are handling the situation perfectly well. Maybe he'll end up convincing himself too in the process. Who knows ?

After all, what others alternatives does he have ? He's got a team to race for, friends and a family that care for him, even if he sees them more sporadically now, always pretending to be busy to avoid them asking questions about his well-being.

He's got Carlos as well, even if they act as just friends, it's more than enough.

Until one day, his body objects to this line of thoughts and tells him that no, it isn't enough _at all_.

***

There's no warning signs to foretell it. One moment, he was searching for his tablet of ibuprofen in his bag to calm the headache he had since the beginning of the qualifications and then...Then, all he knows is that he wakes up in a foreign place filled with an aseptic smell so heavy, so acrylic, so unlike the scent he once got drunk on in the crook of Carlos's neck.

Reluctantly, his eyes open to a room illuminated by a cold and harsh light that immediately makes him regrets being awoken. As he puts a hand on his forehead to protect himself from the light that pierces through his eyelids, his confusion grows. Wasn't Carlos talking to him seconds ago ? Wasn't the wall of the changing room black instead of the quick flash of white he saw before shutting down his eyelids ?

“...right ?” a voice on his left manages to pierce through the thick fog of his brain.

“Hmm...” he mumbles, before reopening slowly his eyes to face a women wearing a white uniform. She fumbles with the strange warm device on his abdomen that he hadn't notice before.

“Don't worry, it's just a heating pad to help your body go back to its regular temperature. I'm going to call the doctor, now that you're awake, alright ?” she repeats in an accented english.

He slowly nods in affirmation, swallowing difficultly as he watches the nurse disappearing behind a door.

She comes back accompanied with a stern-looking man, whose eyes remain riveted to his medical files during the whole 10 minutes he spends to explain to him he was brought in with a body temperature below 35 C° and respiratory difficulties triggered by reasons that remain yet unknown.

As he difficultly recalls the scene he caused in the paddock, the staff and Carlos frantically calling his name, his eardrums ring in panic and he doesn't even register when he's left alone in his room.

All that courses through him is that despite the heating pad over his chest, he's cold, so cold that he doesn't dare to move a single part his body, irrationally afraid it'll provoke a rush of cold air that might transform his bones into ice. For what feels like an infinite amount of time, he stays unmoving, staring into nothingness, wondering anxiously how people will react once the news of his sudden hospitalization will reach them, if it already hasn't.

He's only brought back to earth when a hand delicately lays on his left wrist, brushing it lightly with its fingers. And when every single nerves in his hand start to suddenly burn with a blissful warmth, Lando doesn't even need to rise his head to know to whom those fingers belong.

«Hey Lando...I- Uhm, the nurse told me you needed to rest so I shouldn't stay too long…I just- I waited so long in the corridor that they took pity in me I guess...» Carlos says in a voice roughened by lack of use.

«You shouldn't have waited for me...» Lando straightens himself on his bed « I- ...Thank you Carlos.» is all he manages to muster up before feeling his throat constricts.

He want to say so much more, to explain to Carlos how cold he's been feeling just before collapsing, how it felt like he would suffocate for the rest of his life on the feeling that his limbs where minutes away from getting frost-bites. He wants to say _Thank you, thank you for allowing me this little respite, this little bit of heat to comfort me, I'll keep it with me for as long as I can, I promise_. He yearns to say so much, just so Carlos would _understand_.

Yet, he remains silent. His teammate's eyes are too much to bear, too intensely burning with worries that Lando can only avert his glaze elsewhere. He answers to Carlos's questions with monosyllabic answers, afraid that if he spoke more words, he would give away too much. Too much of what, he doesn't know, but it would still be _too much _of it especially when lately it feels like he has barely anything left to give.

Instead, while his teammate fusses over him he ends up focusing himself on the sight of Carlos's thumb rubbing over his hand into soothing circles.

« Mister Sainz ?» a voice interrupts them minutes afterwards « I’m sorry to disturb you but I must insist, our patient needs to rest.»

« Alright, rest now Lando...You're in good hands.» Carlos encourages as he lets his fingers brush one more time over his left hand. Before he quits the room, Carlos looks torn, as if he wanted to add something to their short exchange, but he doesn't.

Once Lando is sure Carlos is away, he can't help but bring his left hand's palm to his cheek, feeling a wave of heat expands through his body. It spreads further and further in his limbs, first it's his arms, then the warmth finally spread through his thorax. It's maddening to finally feel like he has a heart beating inside him, insuring warm blood circulates through his veins.

_The cold almost made him forget he was alive, _ he thinks bitterly as he closes his eyes_. _

A few minutes pass and he drifts off into a peaceful sleep curled up around himself to preserve any warmth he can. In his dreams, he finds an answer to how it would feel to interlace his fingers into Carlos's without fearing his mate's eyes would become clouded by a fear he can't comprehend.

_ It would feel right. _

***

The following morning, when a wave of cold has already washed over his skin and taken with it every ounce of comfort he felt, his condition seems stable enough to be monitored by his own medical team.

Once he's discharged from the hospital, he's lead back to his hotel by James, one of the team's assistant. Usually conversations flow easily between them, but the ride back passes in a tense silence and Lando loses count of how many time he catches James looking at him worryingly through the rear mirror.

When they arrive at their destination, Lando mumbles a quick thank you as his left hand opens the door to exit the suffocating atmosphere filling the car.

«Lando ! You-uhm- you take care of you, okay kiddo ?» James exclaims just before Lando closes the door. In response, the only thing that Lando manages to do is offering him a wobbly smile through the window before hurrying his steps to reach the hotel entrance.

His head is fixated to the ground as he walks through the lobby of the hotel and he can't help but feel frustration grows as he thinks of all the things he should have said to reassure James :

_«I'm working my way up there, don't worry about me !»_

_«Thank you, don't worry I'm in good hands and have a good day !»_

_«Thanks James, I'll do just that and I can't wait to get back to my usual self !»_

Indeed, there was a multitude of things he could have said instead of settling himself over his unconvincing grimace of a smile. He'll have to quickly start honing his ability to pretend he's alright if he wants to survive the myriads of questions that people will assail him with, he thinks deprecatingly.

Self-absorbed as he is, he still catches from the corner of his eyes a familiar figure seated into the lobby raising a hand to demand his attention.

«Ah, perfect, I was waiting for you Lando.» Andreas Seidl, their team principal says with what he assumes must be a reassuring smile. Yet, at this sight, Lando's heartbeat get sent into a frenzy and a rush of questions courses through him : Is he in trouble ? Is Mister Seidl there to inform him they'll call someone else to race the next Grand Prix ?

«He-Hello Mister Seidl !» he manages to croak out.

«Come, come take a sit Lando.»

The Omega reluctantly complies and sits on the edge of the empty seat in front of his team principal.

«Jesus, Lando, you don't need to look as scared as that, I'm just here to make sure we're all going to be on the same page for now. »

«The same page ?»

«You need your rest, so I'm gonna go to the point, uh ? You do realize, Lando, that as the team manager I can demand access to your medical files ?»

«Yes.» he says, before trying to give himself a little bit of countenance by sipping on the glass of water that Mister Seidl had prepared in front of his seat.

«You then can understand that the first thing I did after being informed you collapsed was to demand information from your medical staff. You can also imagine my stupor when I discovered I haven't been informed that one of my driver has been dealing for month with hormonal imbalance issues related to his secondary gender....» a small beat of silence follows where Mister Seigl seems to be searching for his own words «Of course, I immediately asked your medical staff what measures were taken to ensure the causes of this issue were found. And you know what answers they gave me ?»

«Uhm- I...I can only guess...» Lando faces turns livid, knowing what will come.

«They were only able to show me your last prescription of a few dietary supplements they prescribed to you and the inconclusive results of a row of tests they did months ago !» his team principal exclaims while throwing his hand in the air to put emphasis on his exasperation.

«It's my fault, I told them I wanted to focus on my first season and that I could deal with this issue mostly on my own !» Lando stresses, he wouldn't able to look at himself in the mirror if his own stupidity ended up being responsible of even just one of person on the team being sacked.

« Listen, I-» Mister Seidl sighs « What I mean by all that it's that it stops _now_. Everybody in the team likes you and worries about you. I do too. You're an endearing young man, full of good will and I can understand why the medical team wanted to indulge you and themselves in minimizing the severity of your situation. But now that we know your condition can have a direct impact on your ability to drive, everything changes. By this Friday, I need to know if a treatment can be prescribed to you and as I'm talking to you, the medical staff has already started to look into the best specialist available.»

«And...And if there's no treatment for what I have ?»

«Then, I'll report that to the FIA and we'll have to look into our options to give your seat to someone else until the medical team can assure me you've finally received the appropriate care you should have received months ago. Understood ?»

Lando fumbles his shirt as his team principal's rant registers through his mind.

«Lando, you understand ?» he repeats with an insistent glare.

«Uhm- Yes, yes I understand. I just...I mean the medical team...They did their best. They- Until now it wasn't so bad you know ? There was no indicator this condition could make my body reacts like that and I'm sure it was just a one time thing ? And I mean, I'm good now, already feeling better...»

«Lando...» Mister Seidl lets out a long exhale «I'm telling you I'm potentially thinking about giving your seat to someone else and you're defending the medical staff ? Do you even understand the gravity of your situation ? What if it happens once again, this time during a race ? What if you're in a middle of a lap, your body temperature suddenly drops and you lose focus during a turn ? What guarantee do I have that it won't happen again ?» Mister Seidl asks, as if this thought never occurred to him, as if this possibility didn't keep him awake in the middle of the night sometime.

«You don't have one...» he admits as he feels his heart plummets to this admission, one he never dared to voice to his team.

«-Yes, exactly. I don't. I know it's a lot to take in for you, especially after what happened yesterday, but I can't afford to let this situation deteriorates anymore. From now on, until Friday, I want you to do one thing. Do you know what it is ?!»

« To rest until I undergo new tests ?»

«Fantastic ! I see you and I both understand each other. Alright, I'm not bothering you anymore, I'll guide you back to your hotel room.» Mister Seidl stands up as he extends him a hand.

«No, I'm alright, I can stand by myself.» he declines with a polite smile before shaking Mister Seidl's hand.

Afterward, he makes his way to the elevator haltingly, avoiding his team principal's glares burning on his neck.

Once in the relative safety of the elevator, he starts to notice how his hands are trembling and no matter how many shaky breath he inhales, he can't seem to stop feeling like the floor is moving underneath him. It must be barely 11AM and yet, he thinks bitterly, it's already another day that adds up to the ever-growing pressure that has been weighting him down for months.

As he reaches his hotel room, he immediately plunges into the relative warmth of his bed and closes his eyes. His head throbs too much for sleep to welcome him into a peaceful slumber. Instead, he can't help but to replay over and over every words that he exchanged with his team principal.

For what feels like hours but must be in reality only minutes, he stays hidden underneath his sheets until he resolves himself to take his phone from his backpocket to try to distract him. He then proceeds to respond to the dozen of unanswered texts he received and hopes that the vague texts he sends to the few people who got wind of his hospitalization will be reassuring enough to avoid the news spreading any further. He then opens his whatsapp conversation with Carlos to read the last messages on it, old of barely a hour ago.

_ From Carlos: _  
You slept well ?

Heard you were discharged

Text me when Seidl is over reprimanding you, so I know you're still alive  
Today, 11:45 AM

_To Carlos: _  
How did you know he talked to me ?  
Yeah, I'm still tired but can't sleep, too much going on  
Today, 12:35 AM

  
  


_ From Carlos: _  
I have insiders on the look out for you 🤫🕵🏻

Did you eat already ? I can come if you want to ? Actually, I'll come even if you don't want to.  
Today, 12:36 AM

_To Carlos: _  
Gotta order room service soon I think, not sure i'll be good company to you...  
Today, 12:36 AM

  
  


After a few minutes without answers from Carlos, Lando drops the phone on his mattress, closes his eyelids and tries to concentrate on nothing but the quietness of his room and the noise the air conditioning produces. It doesn't work. _Of course it doesn't._

He's only taken out from his frustrating thoughts by 3 shorts knocks on his room's door. At first, he's tempted to pretend to be asleep until this person leaves him alone, until the whole world outside of his room disappear just so he could finally rest. Yet, he has a quick changes of mind when his nose picks up the same perfume that he has become so accustomed to smell on Carlos since presenting as an Omega. He quickly disentangles himself from his duvet and walk up in long strides to the entrance of his room.

«Room Service for you ! » beams Carlos, who stands in the middle of the hall. Lando's vision is soon obstructed by two pizza box that his teammate almost shoves into his face. Instantly, as he takes Carlos's offering, a warm, almost electric current courses through his hands. With this ever so familiar sensation, Lando can't help but to revel in the calming effect his mate has on him without even realizing. He wonders what it says about himself, to simultaneously be at the end of his rope because of Carlos and yet to only feel right when he is by his side.

«You like Marinara Pizzas, right ?» Carlos asks anxiously, mistaking his introspective silence for distaste.

«Yes, yes of course...You're just...so good to me.» he blurts out.

«Ah don't be fooled, the second pizza is for me exclusively ! I just needed someone else to keep me company while eating ! Now let's go sit down, the entire team will murder me if they learn I made you stand too much.»

«You talked with the team about me ?»

«Yeah, we didn't get into details, don't worry...I-I was scared and they just told me that I could make sure you got proper rest...You like peppermint ?»

«What ?» Lando asks, confused by the sudden change of subject.

«I saw on the internet that peppermint was good for people with under-performing organism...Got a few tea bags for you, your physio told me it probably wouldn't help with whatever you have, I'm sorry if I'm a bit-»

«Yeah, no I get it, you're right» he reassures with a small thankful smile while inviting Carlos to sit on the small sofa of his room « It won't hurt to try, uh ?»

Once they settle themselves, sitting side by side, Lando lets Carlos do the most of the talking, contents to just lay back further and further on the couch while enjoying his slices of pizza. Carlos's shoulder is warm against his own and the reassuring low-pitched voice of his teammate makes his head buzzes to the point he barely notices when Carlos puts on the TV in front of them.

Did he always use to lose focus on everything but Carlos so easily before ? Wasn't there a time where he could at least pretend he wasn't utterly enthralled by the sight and the close proximity of his mate ?

It's a useless sentiment, but a part of him wishes to be able to regain the independence he had when he wasn't mated, when his every senses weren't hyper-focusing on his mate whenever it felt like it.

The other side of him, probably the last fighting remnant of his Omega side, yearns viciously to just bask in the feeling of cozy warmth surrounding him. As he reduces the distance separating him from Carlos to curl up against his mate's side, Lando has no doubt about which part of his being he listened to.

Still coming to term with his brief meeting with his team principal, he can't help but to start to share with Carlos the ultimatum he fixed him, hoping Carlos will find the right words to reassures him like he often does.

«You need to take care of yourself Lando, alright ?» his teammates states softly after he's finished his monologue. A shiver of appreciation travels through Lando's body when he feels Carlo's hand tangles itself in his own unkempt hair.

«I'm serious. You have to. I-» Carlos pauses for a moment as he squeezes his arm tighter around Lando's waist « You need to be healthy. I don't think I've ever felt that scared you know ? To be left in the dark by the staff for hours until I learned you're in the hospital ...For you, you have to start taking of yourself better. You-you deser-»

«Hey, hey I'm alright I swear...» Lando interrupts and nuzzles further into Carlos's chest. _I'm here, right next to you, of course I'm alright, _he wishes he could have added.

«You'll tell me next time if you start feeling ill ? Sometime I think too much about racing and I don't notice things, but that doesn't mean I don't care okay ?»

«I promise...» Lando softly answers as he breathes in Carlos's air.

Minutes pass and the low whispers of the television in front of them is long forgotten, yet neither them seem willing to moving apart of one another. Safe and warm into Carlos's embrace Lando doesn't think about anything else but Carlos's hand that now run across his back. He doesn't think about the next day or the day before, about when Carlos will retreat back to his own room and how alone he'll feel then, about his medical staff that will inevitably get increasingly worried as they don't make any progress to treat his condition. Instead, he focus on the sweet ever-present scent of home that Carlos carries with him.

And he only hopes that the peace of mind he experiences in this moment is a sign that the day where Carlos will show himself fully to him is coming soon.

_He hopes, he hopes and hopes._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I initially planned to just make it a 2 chapters fics, but then noticed as I was writing the final scene I was already in the middle of writing the 17th pages of text of this chapter, so I decided to split it into half so I could give a maximum of focus on each scenes without losing my focus on proof-reading and re-rewriting 18 pages at once. The next and final chapter should be up in 2 week maximum as I already mostly wrote it ^^


	3. Until we finally crossed path.

  
  


Hours trickle one by one in the silence of his room. By his side, Carlos has since long started to doze off, his head unconsciously resting against his shoulder. For Lando, sleep doesn't come as easily to him, his team principal's words repeat themselves over and over in his head.

It has to stop.

_Now._

He can't allow anymore this sense of defeatism that has gained over him for the last few months. The team needs him to be the same young pilot he was when McLaren first approached him to become a reserve driver for them when he was still in F3. Not whatever mess he has turned himself into.

Soon, he'll have to rouse his mate awake and Lando will have to put on his most convincing smile to reassure Carlos that he doesn't need to stay with him. His mate has a plane to take and a family to get back to. And then, he promises himself, as alone as he will feel once he'll watch Carlos leaves his side, he won't let himself be petrified by the cold that will inevitably seize him. He can't allow it anymore.

After all, his situation is simple : he can't change Carlos. He can't force him into a bound he obviously doesn't recognize just for the sake of securing his own racing seat. If one day Carlos starts to see him as his Omega, it won't be out of pity or under duress. It will be on his own term or it won't be at all.

In the meantime, Lando will try to mend his body as best as he can. He doesn't know what it will take, if even the best specialists will be able to help him. But even if there's only a infinitely small chance for it, he has to seize it.

He deserves better, Carlos had said it himself and Lando indulges his own mind to agree with him.

_It's his first year into F1 for fucks sake !,_ he thinks indignantly, feeling a flare of anger courses his body. He wants what the other rookies have. He yearns to be able to be carried away by the same inexhaustible amazement that sparks into Alexander's eyes whenever he talks about his first months in Red Bull. He wants to experience the sense of certainty that inhabits George, who race in such a difficult and disappointing car, whose rookie year is anything but glorious, and yet who still talk about his commitment and unwavering resolution to carry on. He wants that for him and he even wants it for Carlos, his mate who looks after him, spends so much energy and time over him when he should be able to focus on his own racing career without having to play babysitter for Lando.

Most ardently, he wants to believe he deserves to stop wondering how different the last few months would have been if his secondary gender hadn't anchored himself to a mate that doesn't recognize him. He wants to _live _instead of just surviving.

  
  


***

  
  


Once Carlos reluctantly parts way with him to prepare for his flight back home (only after Lando assured him his health would be monitored by his physiotherapist continuously), Lando applies his team principal's order : he sleeps most of the next four days away.

When he's awake, the highlight of his day consist of eating the dietary meals prepared for him, waiting for his daily physiotherapy session and resting on the lounge chair on the small balcony of his hotel room. Basically, it's probably the most boring days of his 19 years of existence. It's almost nerve-wracking to deal with this lack of action when he knows he's on the verge of a vital crossroad in his career.

On Friday's eve, when he hasn't been able to stop pacing for hours through his room while thinking about all the different scenarios that could occur on the following day, his phone ringtone is the only thing that manage to break through his line of thoughts. He answers the call without hesitation, it's probably Carlos, who has phoned him at least twice a day since they separated. Most of the time, his mate talks to him in great details about his sister's upcoming wedding, about his plan for the next day and even about the new restaurants that opened near his house and how he and Lando should eat there one day. And Lando's grateful for the way Carlos tries to distract him, to engage with him in any discussion as if tomorrow was just any other day.

It's the reason why he's particularly disconcerted by the phone call Carlos gives him on that evening. Lando, for once, leads the discussion during their exchange and starts blabbering to him about anything that crosses his mind. Yet, his mate's voice seems to be tense and his mono-syllabic answers are a far cry of his usual cherry mood.

«You're sure you're alright, Carlos ?» he ends up asking.

«I-» Carlos sighs on the other end of the phone «Yesterday, Alexander texted me...» his teammate admits after a beat of silence.

«Alexander...Albon ?» he asks quizzically «Didn't know you had exchanged numbers ? »

«Yeah, I don't know how he got my number, but...He asked me if you were doing alright ?»

«Oh, well that's nice of him but he could have asked me...»

«That's the thing I said to him and he told me that recently you've been distant ?»

«Oh.» he only says as he feels his heart sinking, he hopes Alexander didn't take his behavior personally.

«But you like him, no ? You always have a fun time with him whenever I see you both and, I mean, it's important that you keep this, especially now th-»

«Now that what ?» he interrupts «Carlos, did you seriously call to scold me because recently I'm not a winning contender for the Friend-of-the-month award ?»

«No ! I just worry about you...» Carlos exclaims.

«Yes...Carlos I know and I can't thank you enough for that.» he confesses as he softens his voice «I-...not today okay ? I just...Can't you tell me about your day ? I need your voice to distract me, I'm going crazy with stress about tomorrow I think... » he pleads. _I need you to tell me everything is going to be alright tomorrow, so I can pretend to everyone else I believe it too._

And Carlos, bless him, indulges him. He always does.

  
  


***

  
  


When Friday morning inevitably comes, he's lead by a member of the medical staff to a private clinic 30 minutes away of his hotel. There, he hops from one machine to another to complete tests about his endurance, his cardiac rhythm, his blood composition and by the end of the day, he's left exhausted. All those tests are nothing but a variation of the same ones he went through months ago with his own medical team. Yet, the small crowd of specialists surrounding him makes Lando want to indulge them in their belief they can fix whatever he has, that they can fix _him_.

He almost feels guilty to make them lose so much time and resources for him when he already knows what he is going through, but his mind is set : He'll cooperate with the medical staff and take whatever medication they want him to take, as long as Carlos doesn't get roped into it and that he's cleared to race again in 9 days.

By 4pm, one of the specialist, a woman whose family name comported too many vowels to be remembered correctly by his foggy mind, ends up leading him into a small room to debrief with him the results her team gathered.

«First of all, Mister Norris I'd like to thank you for taking the time necessary to complete those tests. Your collaboration with us is precious, especially considering the complexity of any secondary-gender issues.» she marks a pause as she seems to gloss over one of her file before continuing her explanation «I have to admit my team and I were at loss when we went through your medical files. Your hormonal imbalance, the decreasing efficacy of your senses, it all seemed quite a mystery to us before we were able to directly run a few tests on you. » Lando nods in understanding.

«And now that you did, do you know what I have ?» he asks apprehensively.

«I wish I could answer yes.» she sighs «You probably already now that there's no exact science when it comes to Omegas and we'll definitely need more time to analyze the data we've gathered today to be able to draw a decent diagnosis. _But_, it was to be expected and your employer made us understand how vital it was that a intermediate solution could be found. As of today, we have a standardized treatment for you, one that is used in relatively similar issues when they present themselves to Omegas. Yet...Uhm, how could I explain...» she wonders out-loud while scratching her face in reflection «Let's say you have a house in which you started feeling really cold. To fight the cold, you ask a company to install you a fireplace so you can heat your house. That's a good solution, right ?» he hums in approval « The problem is that you know you only have enough wood for three months before you run out of fuel. Once those three months are over, your house still feel as cold as it used to be. Yet, what if I told you that if you had looked a bit longer into the problem, you would have found that there was a hole in one of the windows of your house and that it was the reason why your house felt so cold ? How would you feel ?»

«I would think I was dumb for not noticing it before I installed a fireplace. »

« Yes. Exactly. In your situation we can give you a "fireplace", a temporary treatment to help alleviate your symptoms and monitor as best as possible your hormone imbalance...We'll coordinate everything with your medical staff, but in the meantime we need to find where the hole in the window, the cause of your condition is, so we can understand the true nature of it and treat it through appropriate medication or, if needed, therapy. »

«I- Why only three months ?» he wonders out-loud as he reads the small prescription handed to him.

_«_Because there's a risk your body would start to grow dependent on this medicine, that your hormonal level and the glands in charges of it would start to simply unlearn how to work altogether without medication._» _she explains to him before starting to talk to him about all the precautions he'll have to start taking under this treatment.

Team of world-renowned specialist, _my a__ss_, he thinks bitterly. A full day of testing, of scrutiny only to get prescribed a meager box of pills that will _only_ alleviate his symptoms and with it, no concrete certitude it would actually work at all.

What a nice way to say that they haven't got a clue of what he's going through !

As he stomps away to the exit once the meeting is over, he realizes that a part of him had almost reluctantly started wishing his little secret would have been uncovered easily by all those doctors. It would have meant that other similar cases had been studied, that people had been rejected by their mate before him, had been inhabited by the same chill that is gnawing at his bones.

That would have meant he wasn't an anomaly.

***

  
  


He has to wait three days after the start of his treatment to know if his body reacts well enough to it. It's probably the three most excruciating days he has to live through and by the end of it, he's sure Carlos will end up blocking his phone number : there's only so much anxiety-filled texts one can receive before getting fed up of it.

Surprisingly, he doesn't and Carlos's encouraging words are the last thing he reads before he meets with his medical staff.

As per usual, they show him a series of diagrams in all kinds of shape and color, supposedly to illustrate the behavior of his own metabolism. He's starting to grow tired of them, even if for once the ones he sees this morning are supposed to be showcasing encouraging results. His hormonal imbalance is reversing itself and slowly but surely he's promised that he'll start to be able to tell the difference himself in a matter of days.

And while he's explained in great details the series of almost daily check-up and news tests he'll have to submit to in the next months, he almost doesn't react when Joao – the senior Consultant of his team – tells him he'll be cleared to race again for the next Grand-Prix.

This is good news, he knows but his brain is elsewhere, calculating how long he'll be able to rely on this medication. If he's right and at the condition this medication keeps on affecting his metabolism in a positive way, he's just been offered a three-months reprieve.

Great-Britain, Germany, Hungary, Belgium, Italy, Singapore and Russia.

Those are the name of the seven countries he'll race in during the next trimester. It's also maybe the last ones he'll visit as a F1 racing driver before his license get revoked due to a health issue neither his medical team nor himself have a control over.

Seven Grand-Prix in a trimester suddenly seems far too few, but he only counted them on the top of his head, so it's possible 7 isn't the right number, right ?

He hopes he forgot to count a thousand of them.

  
  


***

  
  


Afterwards, the changes on his body continue to operate slowly, but they start becoming unmissable. Lando cannot find the words to describe it well enough, but the metaphor the specialist of the clinic used stays with him. The pills he swallows truly feel like the woods that fuel his body temperature. It's nonsensical, but for the first time in months, he's comfortable exiting his room without packing at least one additional sweater and it's all that matters.

On Thursday, he has to do a double-take when he arrives at his hotel near the Silverstone circuit. He almost feel breathless with how fast everything has unfolded for him. Last week he wasn't even sure to be able to compete anymore and here he is now. Deep in his thoughts, he has barely the time to exit the escalator when he reaches his level that he's engulfed into a bear hug by Carlos.

«I don't understand spanish Carlos. » he tuts when he catches a string of foreign sounds that Carlos mumbles against his ear.

«I'm so glad they found something to help you so you can be here.»

«Oh really ? You were that worried you would have nobody to annoy the whole week-end ? »

«No, I was worried you wouldn't be there with me.» Carlos says as he tightens his hold around his waist with so much strength that Lando feels as if he pressed all the air out of his lung.

«I'm glad too, Carlos. » he keens with his eyes closed and his arms holding Carlos just as tightly.

Once he quits Carlo's embrace, it feels like the rest of the week-end pass in a rush too intense to be processed adequately. By the end of the competition, he finishes eleventh. It doesn't come of as a surprise to him. With the stress of the past weeks, his concentration just wasn't there and he lacked pace for the entire race. For him, it seems evident he only owns up his 11th place thanks to Giovinazzi's puncture and the two Haas crashing into one another.

He didn't mark points, but he was _there_ nonetheless and it's an achievement in itself.

His team seems to share his view, because on the very second he puts down his helmet, Carlos and a part of the team decide to rope him into an impromptu game of bowling at a venue near the circuit.

And as he watches amusedly as his own coach get forced into a giant carrot costume after finishing last in their first round, he thinks he's not only glad to have Carlos by his side. _He's glad he's got them with him too._ He doesn't know how he would have handled it if he was told he couldn't keep his seat and he had to part ways with all the people that effortlessly welcomed him in the team.

This sense of togetherness, of comradeship that he would have been deprived of would have left a gaping void in his life, more than maybe racing itself.

  
  


***

  
  


Once the stress of being physically ready for the British Grand-Prix has passed, he finds himself acclimating slowly to what will be his new schedule under treatment. It will still be the same old routine consisting of countless flights and hotels across the world but he has now to add a succession of blood-tests, various medical check-up and of physiotherapy sessions in his already packed agenda.

He's nothing but quick to adapt through and by the end of the month, he's got it almost all figured out. Almost one week out of two, his medical staff looks at their test's results disapprovingly and they readjust the dosage of his treatment. To them, his metabolism behaves in an erratic and unpredictable way. To him, the pattern it follows is almost hilariously simple to identify : The dosage he receives need to be upped whenever he has to spend time away of Carlos in-between Grand-Prix. During those weeks, the cold, the tiredness and too many other symptoms sneak up back to him, establishing themselves at the pit of his stomach.

But even on those days, when he could feel discouraged, he only feels immensely grateful for the reprieve they offered him.

Almost every morning he wakes a little less groggy, his appetite, coupled with his sense of taste and all the others finally get back to what they used to be. Even more noticeably, the migraine he regularly had over the past few months almost completely cease.

Sometime, those changes are still something he has trouble processing. He could be in the middle of finally catching up with Alexander, playing a game with stupidly overcomplicated rules for the cameras during media days, talking with Carlos or just going on about his day and suddenly...It would dawns on him, how anew he seems to be almost every single day that passes under this treatment.

On the other hand, there's a part of him that is starting to get restless whenever he sees the days pass one after one. But he knows he can't allow himself to dwell too much on how fast a trimester can pass, not when there's entire day where among all the smiles he offers to people, all the laughters that escape his mouth are genuine and simply freeing.

He can't allow it especially when Carlos is always present in person or through texts and phone calls during the good and the bad days. He's different to him too, his eyes seems less clouded and sometime he can almost pretend his mate is finally warming himself up to the idea that Lando is his Omega.

He tries to not let himself be too carried away with this idea, but it's a constant battle, especially after he surprised his mate while he was reading a self-help book dedicated to Omegas not a long time ago. Embarrassingly, it took all of Lando self-control to not shed a few tears in front of him when his mate confessed he had taken up on reading in the hope he would be able to help Lando through whatever issues he was facing.

He doesn't need a book for that Lando had thought in this moment, what he does on a daily basis is more than enough : Carlos is there to cheer him up whenever he's facing difficulties with his car, there when he's jet-lagged and bored beyond relief in his hotel room. He's by his side to laugh with, to listen to, there when Lando can finally be able to just _be _this version of himself he always should have been if he wasn't stuck on this bound that begins with him and ends nowhere. And god, does he loves this new version of himself.

A part of him supplies that what he's experiencing is called _fulfillment_.

  
  


***

  
  


He should have known it couldn't last, he really should have. Yet, recently he's been lulled into such a sense of optimism that he isn't prepared at all for what would come to him when Carlos, Max and he accepted Daniel's invitation for a night out in between the Belgium's Grand Prix qualifications.

Everything had initially started greatly, the quiet evening they were supposed to enjoy quickly turned into a cacophony of terribly sung hit songs when they discovered the bar they were in had private karaoke booths. It took a single shared glance between him and Carlos to coordinate their efforts in convincing their rivals to change their plan for the night and to challenge them into showing off their (lack of) singing skills.

Carried away by too many 70's hits to keep track of, elation is the most prominent feeling that courses through his every muscles during the better half of the night. It's only after he caught Carlos and Daniel's benevolent smile as he started to engage in embarrassing rap battles against Max that he understood this night maybe wasn't as impromptu as Daniel originally presented it.

Much later, after having gone through almost the entire catalog of the karaoke, Carlos suggests they catch their breath by sitting comfortably at their table.

Daniel, who lost an obscure bet against Max, is tasked to buy them another round of cocktails. As they await his return, their conversation at the table quietens, the euphoria of their evening letting room for the first sign of tiredness.

«If someone had told me I would be doing a rendition with you of Highway to hell tonight I wouldn't have believed it-» Carlos says teasingly to him to break the comfortable silence that installed itself between them. His mate’s whole body is turned toward him as he speaks and Lando hopes the soft lights of their booth hide the way he always feel flustered when he has Carlos's undivided attention on him.

«Well what can I say, I've always dreamed of being a rockstar, so I know my classics.» Lando manages to answer back despite his nerves while wiggling his eyebrows.

«Screaming the one same line of the chorus whenever it comes up and banging your head until you look like you had a fight with a bear doesn't really make you rockstar-material, Lando.» Max, who sit in front of them, remarks with a mocking smirk.

Instantly, Lando feels his cheeks redden in embarrassment as he tries to rule in his hair back into a tamer haircut.

« No, no you're cute with tousled hair, let them be. » Carlos whispers to his right ear while patting his head.

« Oooooh, am I ?» Lando answers teasingly as he leans himself near Carlos. And maybe it's the few drinks he downed already, but a burst of courage courses through him when his glaze fall on Carlos's lips. They are stretched into a smile that Lando knows is just for the two of them and they make such a compelling and inviting sight that Lando simply cannot resist to lean further until his lips touch his mate's. He regrets it a fraction of seconds later when Lando feels hands pushing his chest away.

« I- uhm-I'm just going to go to the restroom.» Carlos says before abruptly standing up and with each steps his mate in direction of the toilet, Lando feels as he suddenly fell into freezing water.

_ Not again, not when everything between seemed so right. Not when he thought this Carlos, closed off, fearful and distant was definitely gone. _

« Do you think he gets off on it ? » Max, whom Lando almost forgot was here, interrupts his train of rapidly panicking thoughts.

« Uh ?» he manages to croak out.

« Carlos. I didn't think this kind of Alpha still existed, but clearly I was wrong....»

«What-What are you on about Max ?»

«Dude, come on, you can stop pretending. During the whole night you both were in your little bubble together and the moment you act on whatever is going on between the two of you he runs away ? It's like you're a toy to him or what ?»

«He's not like that ! He -»

«He what ?» Max raises his eyebrows.

«He just sees me as a friend. I- I shouldn't have done that...»

«Bullshit !» Max snorts.

«Hey Max ! Language !» chides in Daniel as he finally approaches them with a handful of cocktails « What are you talking about ?»

«Nothing. » he says as he starts gathering his belongings. He needs to find somewhere to hide before he starts crying. God, this is humiliating. First to be rejected again and again by his mate and then to be called out like that by his friend...He needs to get out, to go somewhere where the walls don't seem like they're closing in on him, _now_.

«No, come on Lando ! I didn’t mean like that. I mean, you can’t believe that you’re just frien- ».

«Tell Carlos I'm sorry but I don't feel good so I'm going back to the hotel.» he declares before turning his back to the table.

As he takes big steps to the exit of the bar, it feels like all the anxiety, the doubts and the fear he bundled in himself is on the brink of unfolding, spilling all over the place. It's a miracle he still manage to halt a taxi to regain his hotel room despite all the thoughts running in circle in his mind.

What’s so wrong with him ? Why does Carlos keep rejecting him over and over ? Why can’t he just stop feeling like this and _didn't he take his medication this morning _? So why can he barely manage to utter a thank you through his clattering teeth on the exit of his taxi ? _Why is he the only one noticing how cold the air is around him _?

By the time he reaches his room, he barely feel like himself anymore when he get rid of his clothes and throws himself under the shower and its stream of hot water. Every inhale seize his lungs painfully as he frantically turns the hot water's valve further through the hot setting. As he curls on in himself at the bottom of the shower, seconds pass (or minutes ? He wouldn't be able to tell) in which he watches mesmerized as his skin takes a red tint and finally, finally he feels himself warm up slowly.

«-ando ! What the fuck ! » a distant voice echoes in the bathroom, startling him from his trance. Through the tears obstructing his vision, he can distinguish a form approaching him. His sluggish mind finally recognizes Carlos and he can only watch him turn down the steam of water. The Omega want to say something, to offer a smile to Carlos, to shield his shivering body from his teammate's view, but he doesn't have the energy to even rise his hands to his face and hide the sobs that have started wracking his body. His mate is talking to him, but the ringing in his head is too loud to understand anything he says to him. It's not long before a deep feeling of shame starts to block his throat.

So long to keeping a brave face, right ?

Embroiled in his mind, he watches helplessly as Carlos turns the faucet on the cold setting and suddenly, the water hitting him amplify tenfold the shivers coursing through his body.

In reaction, he lets out a shriek of surprise as he tries to shield himself from the cold water. He tries to unbend his knees and to get up, but his feet slide on the shower's bottom and instead of catching any surface to hoist himself up his arms flails helplessly around him.

Suddenly, arms encircles him strongly, refraining him from moving any further and he latches into them, chasing the feeling of warmth he know he'll find in his mate's embrace.

«Y-You need to stop Lando ! You'll only hurt yourself more than you already have. I know that the water is cold but you need it, you'll be lucky if tomorrow you're not burned all over, o-okay ?» Carlos says close to his ear.

A few minutes pass where only the drops of water landing underneath them and their combined heavy breathing echo in the bathroom.

« You should- » Lando shudders as he suddenly realizes Carlos is soaked wet « You should move away, you're going to get cold. » he says reluctantly.

« How did you enter ? » he ends up asking when Carlos's doesn't move away from their embrace.

«You gave me a copy of your key, remember ? And when I came back to our table only to be told you weren't well, I had a bad feeling..» Carlos sniffs and pauses for a moment « Guess I was right...»

«I just...I felt so cold and I-I didn't want to hurt myself I just...I needed to feel- » he tries to articulate before another sob escapes his mouth.

« Hey, hey it's alright Lando, let it out... Do you- Do you still feel cold ? »

« No...I mean-The water's cold but it's alright now.»

« Okay...Listen, how about we dry ourselves up, change into something warmer and we'll talk about....Whatever happened ? »

To that, Lando reacts instantly « No-no, please not now...just, can we go cuddle a bit and then-then I'll explain, please ? »

Then, Lando can't help but lets a gasp escapes his lips as Carlos leaves his embrace and pulls away of him. _ What did he do this time ? Just stop ! Stay ! _

«N-no just I-Don't leave I-» he manage to utter through pained breaths.

«Lando ! Lando, calm down I was just going to search a towel ! You need to breath !»

Carlos rocks him back and forth and his entire body shudders as he can't refrain himself from letting out a soft high-pitched sound.

He realizes only too late that this isn't just any sound that escaped his panicked body, this is his Omega calling out directly for his Alpha. A sound he has no control over and that he only emitted once by inadvertence before, on the very same day he presented.

_ Shut up, please just shut up ! He's just next to me, there's no point in calling for him ! _ He tries to reprimand this part of him into silence, to make those sounds die in the hand he puts on his mouth.

Despite his best effort, the Omega inside him only grows appeased when Carlos starts applying a cold lotion of Aloe Vera over his still red skin. The gentleness of his mate's hand over his irritated epidermis do wonder to him and he allows himself to be coddled by his teammate. Once the tube of lotion is emptied, Carlos wraps him in one of the long white towel he found in the drawers of the bathroom. Then, like putty in his mate's hands, Lando lets himself be led on the top of his bed while leaning heavily against his mate's side. Carlos helps him to settle on it by lifting the bed's cover before joining him to tuck himself under the sheets.

Minutes pass in which they exchange no words. Carlos has been absentmindedly scratching the back of Lando's neck. If he would be more than content to stay like that for as long as possible Lando isn't dupe. His mate's eyes are clouded and it is clear that he's struggling with inner turmoils.

Lando starts nibbling his lips, the prospect of being confronted to the nature of their relationship by his own mate petrifies him. Is Carlos on the brink of finally voicing out his rejection out-loud ? Has the time come where Lando finally learn why they fit in every ways but the most important one ? Is he even prepared for it ? Is this it ?

«It's because of me, isn't it ?» Carlos finally breaks the tense silence between them. He looks livid and it makes Lando fears for what's to come.

«Hmm.» he nods apprehensively, unable to find his words when it feels like his throat shifted into a node.

«Everything that happened in the past months to you, it's because...» Carlos lets out a long exhales before continuing «I-I'm not good at deciphering Omega language but...It felt like you were calling out to me and ...I felt this... pull to you, I don't know how to describe that but I knew I was the only person able to help you and...Please tell me what is going on ?» his mate asks, visibly lost.

Lando imagined this moment a thousand times and yet, in none of the scenarios he came up with did he imagine the flare of indignation coursing through him «Tell you ?» he says as he extirpates himself from Carlos's hold to search for his stare « You know ! You know what is going on !» he tries to push. _ Please, don't tell me you've never realized we were mates, don't tell me there's not a single fiber of your consciousness that ever acknowledged our bond. _

«I-I think I've got an idea...» Carlos begins weakly, keeping his eyes fixated resolutely on the wall behind Lando «I-I can't be what you need me to be, recently I've been thinking about it and...it's just not in me. I'm sorry...» To that, Lando suddenly feels suffocated by the weight of the sheets covering them and he pushes his tired body to sit on the edge of the bed, his back turned to Carlos.

«I don't know what you think being my Alpha entails but I'm still me, still Lando. Not everything needs to change...» he manages to croak out as his tears starts pooling on his eyelids «If you don't want us to build a pack, if you don't want..._ Anything else _, I can accept it. I just...Just one thing, I need one thing.» he pleads.

«Yes, yes tell me.» his mate answers as Lando feels him moving closer to him.

« You always close yourself off to me when it gets too much for you. I- I get it if maybe I'm too intense at time but... I don't know how much longer I'll be able to deal with that. I don't ask anything from you except that now, if you can, I just need you to...stay.» he concludes almost petulantly.

Carlos's answer comes in the form of a bone-crushing hug from behind.

«You can do that right ? You can try ?» He needs to be sure, needs to hear Carlos say it outloud.

«Si ! Si I-I promise I'll do better I just...I just need time to figure it out and it's not your fault, you're not too intense...You're not doing _anything_ wrong...I just need time !»

«Yes...Yes, just stay, please. It's all I ask.» _If you stay, we'll both have all the time in the world to figure it out._

Carlos then starts to mumble what sound like a string of apologies in spanish as his body starts to be wracked by a small tremor accompanying each of his sobs. This is such an unusual sight, Carlos who is usually so collected and who always act as his rock, being overcome by such raw emotions.

Yet, Lando doesn't mind reversing their roles. He'll hold him and press reassuring kisses into the juncture between his neck and shoulder for as long as he needs to and he'll pretend no tears escape his own eyelids. He'll do all that and more because the beginning of a small fire has started to burn inside him with Carlos's long-awaited acceptance. And maybe, after they'll find their words back, this small fire will turn into a blaze strong enough to ignite his entrails and to spread through Carlos. Then, he hopes...No, he _ knows _ he'll be able to watch all their anguish, all their unspoken doubts turn into ashes only to be replaced by one single sentiment :

_ Completeness. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a nightmare to write. Everytime I was afraid the medication bit felt too tropey so I had to constantly show that the medication wasn't working miracle and that there was a problem with it, but at the same time I couldn't do it too much so it wouldn't seems like Lando is just a big mope-y mess... =( The dialogs ! Oh my god the dialogs I had all the trouble in the world to write them...I hope this wasn't a disappointing conclusion if you liked the first chapters...

**Author's Note:**

> I already planned the general idea of chapter 2 (which will be this time mostly from Lando’s perspective unlike the first chapter). Please kudos or comments and boom, instant good day for me !


End file.
